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Revenge
If the child is saying hurtful things, damaging things of an authority figure, unprovoked injury to a younger child (new baby?), plain old meanness, unappreciativeness (dismiss a gift or special treatment), has an excessive focus on things being ‘fair’, the child may be dealing with the mistaken goal of Revenge. They aim to make others feel the pain that they do.
You can’t mistake the mistaken goal of Revenge, you will know it is Revenge if you find yourself thinking “how could you do this?”, “you are so ungrateful”, “I can’t believe you just did that”. You will be feeling hurt, disappointed, disbelief and/or disgust.
- Belief “I don’t belong and that hurts, I am going to get even”.
- Coded message: “I’m hurting, validate my feelings.
- Don’t take the behavior personally and acknowledge hurt feelings.
- Don’t give out lectures or advice.
F.A.Q.s
- Let the kids know what you will do in advance, check their understanding, act kindly and firmly without saying anything.
- If you guys fight while we are in the car, I will pull the car over until you stop fighting.
- Walk over and calmly remove the child who is disrupting or hurting others.
Create Your Ideal Family Dynamics with Me
In 6 weeks we will explore daily problems and turn from struggle cycles to growth and problem solving. These classes will help you process thoughts, feelings and emotions in an effort to shift perspectives from punishment to discipline.
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